In Your Backs

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of badtimes
Delete it immediately without reading it
This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet
It will re-write your hard diskNot only that but it will scramble any disks
That are even close to your computer
It will recalibrate your refrigerators coolness setting
So all your ice cream meltsIt will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards
Screw up the tracking on your VCR
And use subspace field harmonics
To render any CD's you try to play unreadableIt will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number
It will mix antifreeze into your fish-tank
It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out
On the coffee table when there's company coming overIt will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit
And hide your car keys when you are late for work
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin
It will give you nightmares about circus midgetsIt will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
While dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back
And billing the dinner and hotel room to your visa card
It will seduce your grandmother, it does not matter if she is deadSuch is the power of badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave
To sully those things we hold most dear, it moves your car randomly
Around parking lots so you can't find it, it will kick your dog
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voiceIt is insidious and subtle, it is dangerous and terrifying to behold
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve
Badtimes will give you Dutch elm disease
It will leave the toilet seat upIt will make a batch of methamphetamine in your bathtub
And then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out
To chase high school kids with your new snowblower
These are just a few of the signs, be very very careful